Hello. My name is Jeremiah. I have the pleasure of being married to Kaylani. So as you can imagine it is very hard to fall away from things that matter to her because of who she is. She lives love and God through Jesus, so anything that will further the Kingdom she brings into her life.... Since i am a part of her life we bleed into eachother. It was only a matter of time before I had a word to say on this blog.... So that having been said here is my blog post...

I have never told God to "f" off until these past few weeks... Now I can't fight with something that doesn't exist. I have my faith firmly rooted in God through the Christ Jesus. The beginning of this fight started brewing over the past few months... I got carried away and attempted to step into what i thought God had in store for me. Well easily said nothing came of it other then a frustrated Jeremiah. I found myself Broken during a midnight walk after Kay planted some very truthful things in my heart that my ears did not want to hear.... but my heart did. I went a purchased my old cigarettes that (i wasted alot of time consuming back in the day) gave me a reason to walk..... so i could get the smell off before i got back home.

I found myself in the Oly Westfield mall parking lot crying... No one was there save maybe a homeless person or two. I was shouting "PREPARE ME! GIVE ME A SUFFERER'S HEART! I HATE THE HABITS I HAVE CREATED FOR MYSELF! MUSIC IS NO LONGER MY PASSION! YOU ARE! STRIP EVERYTHING I DONT NEED AWAY FROM ME. LEAVE ME BARREN AND RAIN DOWN ON MY DRY SPRIRT!"

Needless to say i was so angry that I was fed up. Fed upi with not being satisfied with life so I turned to the one thing that gave me comfort. If other people can get joy and comfort from the creator why can't i? I thought.... So i started fasting my guitar... Now when i moved here i had plans of playing music.... with OTHER musicians... well up until this point no one wanted to get together to play other then Esa who is a close friend and he and i have never had the chance or the place. So by the end of the week a drummer popped up and so did a bass player and we had plans to play together at the end of the following week. A week of fasting guitar after having to no one to play with for months led to musicians to play with. "Thank you Lord!" So among all of this i still found myself still fighting with God. "Why can't I hear you?"

Kaylani by this time had developed a cough. She still has this cough... So if you know me then you might understand my frustration. I come from a ministry of healing and extreme faith. So everyday i would lay my hands on Kay and declare her healing in Christ. And her coughing has continued... It escalated a few nights ago when she broke into a coughing fit and in the middle i found myself screaming "IF YOU EXIST GOD THEN YOU, RIGHT NOW, TAKE THIS INFECTION AND COUGH AWAY FROM KAYLANI...." it was followed by a harsher cough fit. I have not lost faith in the creator.... I am just pissed at him right now. Whatever walls or barriers i have put up for myself to "block" God's voice do not matter. My God, the one i believe in, has no problem hitting you in the face and showing you his true self.... then where is mine? Why is my God not getting through to me? God told Kay when she decided to not use doctors or medicine that she was going to be tested. a year almost to the date she finds herself sick.... SO she is being tested cool whatever... I guess I don't fit into that equation... That angers me.

So I am writing this, not to make a point, not to denounce God.... If you are fighting with God... if you are struggling to hear His voice or to spend time with him even fighting with yourself on whether or not a "creator" exists.... Then you are not alone. You have people to talk about this with. You still have your eyeballs, ten fingers and toes. Remember that this place is not our home and we are just passing through. Even in my despair with God, I can't help but sing his praises and see him in people or in actions.... but that doesn't mean I am not fighting with him.

For added encouragement i have attached a video of a man named Dan Smith and his project Listener. If you find yourself pissed or angry or whatever... watch this video to cheer you up.